I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
