Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
