I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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