Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
