i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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