I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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