DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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