can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Use "feeling words"
Yay
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
