Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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