remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
