I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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