I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
