i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
