I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
