He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
