Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
