my mouth tastes like poor choices
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize