I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
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