What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
