We won't sleep together?
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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