the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
where are my pants?
in the oven.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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