then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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