mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
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