Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
