I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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