She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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