My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
