Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize