Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
