I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
