That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
