i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
this will be a night to untag.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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