I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
