I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
