and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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