Christians are straight up FREAKS
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
