woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
