I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
