my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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