didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
