This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
There are leaves in my underwear?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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