When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize