Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Randomize
