He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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