you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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