I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
