next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
