I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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