if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
