Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
