yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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