I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
and i looked up. we had an audience...
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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