did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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