For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
