I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
