meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
