Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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