I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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