Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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